


All I've Ever Known

by GrayJedi11



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Depressed Logic | Logan Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Hug, Self-Harm, This fic is not for the faint of heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:42:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22876492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrayJedi11/pseuds/GrayJedi11
Summary: Logan is in a bit of angsty denial and really needs help.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 9
Kudos: 165





	All I've Ever Known

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is not for the faint of heart. It is (in my opinion) very depressing before a little comfort.

Logan was made to be a numb, emotionless, straightforward, honest robot. So he was. 

He was supposed to be all logic, everything that made sense. Not feelings. Feelings were complicated and unnecessary.

"This isn't emotion, Virgil. This is numb, like I've always been."

The others claimed that he'd been "sad" when Thomas lost his favorite stuffed animal as a child, but they were wrong. He felt the same then as he did all the time now. 

So obviously, this wasn't emotion.

"Alright, Logan. If it's not emotion, show me your arms," Virgil said, half anxious and half angry.

Maybe he'd gotten suspicious after Logan switched to long sleeves. Long after he first started, though, so Virgil wasn't doing that well.

It wasn't bad, though. He did it every day, it was just part of maintaining numbness. It wasn't why other people did it. He wasn't a real person, therefore not going to do it for the same reasons. 

He rolled up his sleeves somewhat casually, revealing a normal sight for him. 

Shock appeared immediately on Virgil's face. 

"What? It's not even bad, this is completely normal."

Which only elicited more fear into Virgil's expression. 

It was bad. 

On the entirety of Logan's forearms, there were a total of six half-inch wide spots where you could see non-bloodied skin. Razor cuts were arranged in perfect rows, each cut in them deeper than the last. Some were still bleeding rather than the majority of dried blood. Wounds had clearly been reopened again and again. Some looked to have been cut dozens of times, likely most of those in one sitting.

It had been two months since Logan started wearing long sleeved shirts. 

Even Virgil, with a history of self-harm, couldn't believe what Logan just showed him. He grabbed the "numb" side by the shoulder, ushering him to the bathroom. 

"Sit down." Virgil gestured to the closed toilet. Logan sighed but obliged. If Virgil was to clean up his wounds, logic says he should let him. 

Virgil's shaky hands fumbled with the sink before he was able to wet a washcloth with soap. Tears of fear threatened to come out. Logan refused to flinch when Virgil began cleaning his cuts. It hurt, but he didn't feel. 

Virgil could tell that the ones still bleeding were bleeding a lot. As he cleaned them, blood bubbled up to replace what had left. He finished to the best of his ability and started wrapping them in bandages. 

"There's really no need for this. I'm not real, therefore this isn't and can be miracled away."

"Have you tried?"

Virgil had. The sides were more real than Logan gave them credit for. 

It was scary to see Logan do this. To be fair, everything scared Virgil, but this was more than anxiety. He didn't want someone he loved to feel like this, no matter how much they "don't."

Logan, on the other hand, didn't understand why Virgil was worried. This was just how he controlled his apathy. He needed it, dare he say wanted it, as a component to maintaining his state of numbness. 

It wasn't even that bad. It's not like he cut his arm off or anything (speaking of, he should probably check on Remus). It was just a little blood. It wasn't even what you could call self-harm because it wasn't harming him. Pain is not equal to harm. 

Virgil was wrong when he told Logan it was unhealthy to constantly judge himself on what he's doing right. It was perfectly fine to schedule it and see what he's doing wrong, especially to see if he'd made any slip-ups on emotions. He never did, every time he checked he "felt" the same. Virgil was wrong when he told Logan he wasn't being apathetic when he told himself he wasn't good enough. He needed to make sure he knew when he needed to be better. Virgil was wrong when he said "apathy" shouldn't interfere with Logan's work and relationships. Logan had been missing work because of numbness his entire life. Virgil was wrong when he said this wasn't normal. Virgil was wrong when he said this wasn't apathy. 

Some deep part of Logan, however, must have been crying out for help when he sat in Virgil's arms. When he weeped into Virgil's chest, confessing everything. Some deep part of him must have wanted Virgil to hold him and comfort him like he'd never gotten as a child. Some deep part of him wanted his cuts to miracle away or even to simply stop bleeding. Some deep part of him wanted to experience happiness. Some deep part of him wanted to take breaks and work efficiently and happily. Some deep part of him reveled in the warmth of rare hugs. Some deep part of him wanted Virgil's help with this feeling. 

Some deep part of him knew that it wasn't apathy he'd always known.


End file.
